Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Soup or Chicken Shuffle: I CHOOSE YOU FUNYUNS (TCoJFRFDF)

This is the first installment of The Chronicles of Junk Food Real Food Dinner Food (TCoJFRFDF).

Junk Food is wrong.  It's terrible for you.  It gives you heart disease, diabetes and I'm pretty sure that it can turn you Gay (or if you're gay already, it can turn you straight).  The Horror. The penis.  The packaging is always inviting.  Bright and colorful, they always hearken back to the good old days. 

Those days were a lie.  No one looks back on Zero Bars and says, "That was just the perfect candy bar at the perfect time."  Grind up some 5th Avenue bars, blend them with mayonnaise and you got the rough equivalent of the "nougat" in a Zero Bar.
fucking terrible

Moving things along now that, that is out of the way, I'd like to take you on another journey through junk. 

In the beginning God created sugar cane.
Now the sugar cane was formless and empty.
And God said "let there be corn syrup" and there was soda.
God saw that the soda was good, so he separated the corn syrup from the radishes.
God called the corn syrup righteous and the vegetables boring.
God then created Funyuns.

I think you've heard me before say it, but I'll mention this again for anyone not listening.  The only proof that we have that God exists is the existence of Funyuns.  No mere mortal could have made those. So, I thought it natural to kick off my first culinary triumph with waging war on Junk Food by turning it into real food.  This week:  Funyuns....and chicken. 

We start off with our ingredients:

Chicken Tenderloins
Garlic Powder

Crush up the Funyuns into a not so fun powder that gets everywhere.  Jesus Christ, it's under my fingernails.  Or you can put the Funyuns into a plastic bag and smash em up. 

Mix the Milk and Egg together; 1 cup milk for every egg.  Take the Tenderloins and dump em in the flour. Dredge them in the Milk Egg Mixture and coat with crushed Funyuns. Add Garlic Powder and Pepper and you should have something that looks like this.

Skillet Fry em up.  Add some frozen vegetables and some bread.

There you go, a beautiful junk food infused dinner and it totally blows. We should've gone to Chipotle.  The crust wasn't as flavorful as I hoped.  It almost caramelized on the outside.  The last thing that I want on my fried chicken is a hard candy outer shell.  I tried many dips and the flavor destroyers won out in that competition: Ranch, French Onion Dip, and Devil's Spit BBQ Sauce. 

Total cost of this meal:  $27.34. EXPENSIVE BREAD.

I'm going to change this segment to "Eat A Dick Junction"

Some Hump Day reading:

Dooty will always be a funny word.

Flatulent Stabby Time:  Sometimes people don't live in harmony with their flatulence.

My affair with Angry Birds draws me to other blogs about knitting.

I am a pretty big zombie fan, as anyone with a penis should be, and I just threw up in my mouth.  A zombie apocalypse story from the writer of World War Z told from the viewpoint of...vampires.  Fucking shoot me in the face with a BB gun 4,000 times. 

I need a cleanse.  New Coachella lineup was announced.  Holy Shitballs that's a lineup.

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