Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Cubicle Nightmares: Astrology

I was standing around with some coworkers, water cooler style, a couple of days ago talking about life and happiness. You know the style, 4-5 people standing around in a circle holding various office required devices; coffee, clipboard, a piece of paper, and a fair share of arms akimbo or crossed arms. And get this, you don’t even have to be near a water cooler for this formation to occur. OK, I lied. We weren’t talking about life and happiness. We were discussing the new zodiac changes. There’s nothing more annoying than someone trying to talk to me about their sign and numerology and kites. Jesus Christ, I hate kite enthusiasts.

So I stayed with it. Where was I going until 5:30pm besides to the bathroom 14 more times to kill 7.5 minutes a pop? People were arguing over the validity of the claim that the astrology calendar has been off for a hundred years. Others were saying that it was a hoax. Some people were referencing their tattoos of the sign that they were indoctrinated with since birth. I feel for ya. There are dumb tattoos and then there are really dumb tattoos, but the person who has a Scorpio tattoo (badass) has to somehow augment that tat to reflect his newfound Libra status (scales)?


People went on about their astrological personality traits and the books they’ve read about their compatibility with other signs. It’s all really whale songs to me because I don’t believe in that stuff. It’s one small precarious step away from a fortune cookie. I mean, if the astrological signs were worth a damn, they’d be mostly terrible in their premonitions and character traits.

So you’re a Pisces? You like to steal Sci-Fi DVDs from parties and lie about your age online.

You’re a Gemini? Guess who has intimacy issues and gets to die alone!?

Virgo, you say? I keep shaking this Magic 8 ball and it just keeps coming up with ”fuckyourself”

And on and on. There should be a least a smidgen of doom in each horoscope.

Aires Horoscope: Today is a new day to a new week. Cherish this thought as you make it through your work day. Things are looking up towards the future where your endeavors are successful and your breath is minty fresh. Watch out for that bitch Kathy in the red Honda. She might as well be a bullet in the gun pointed at your head. Destroy her at all costs. (Lucky Numbers: 311, 808, 86, 187, MURDERDEATHKILL)

Oh I’m sorry if you were expecting a breakdown of what happened with the astrological signs. I really only cared about how irrationally this annoyed people. To some people, this was a rude awakening or, more vomitous, an epiphany.

My GOD I’ve been a LIBRA this entire time! THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING!

There’s also the talk that no one is affected by this change besides the people born after 2010. How fucking stupid is that? It’s like saying that you were an American, but we just recently found out that America is actually Canada. Don’t worry, though, you’re still American because we were dumb for a hundred years. All new babies are Canadian btw.

Fuck that and Fuck you. This is America. We like exclusivity and epicurean everything. No stinkin baby is going to have the RIGHT sign while I sit here with the hasbeen sign. I’m three sheets goin over the edge of a waterfall on this one. America is doin donuts with its Subaru Brat while blasting Quiet Riot with a fist in the air, pointed at the assholes in charge that gave that baby a new Zodiac sign. Obviously there’s going to be some sort of uprising as a result of this. People will be out in droves dealing out street justice to all the self-righteous babies who have donned the new astrological sign.

Who am I kidding? I like to envision the violence that people who subscribe to astrology would wreak. But I know in my heart of hearts that they will just put crystals on their foreheads and perform Reiki until I strangle myself with a telephone cord.

Did the newest astrological sign really have to be a dude wrestling a snake? I know it appeals to astrology’s fan base (chicks and gay guys), but that’s not even trying.

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