Monday, January 31, 2011

Going Green Through Laziness: Weirdy Beardy

Grow a beard and quit killing the planet. For God's sake, Ride the Ride already.

This is a win-win if I’ve ever seen one. All you have to do is let the hair on your face grow. Three things will happen to you: you will get older exponentially, you’ll discover what beard itch is, and you will be beating women off with a stick. I know as well as you do that all women are beard chasers.

I mean, look at this fuckin Beard.

The typical male shaves 275 days of the year. That is 275 times that you could be using your eight minutes to lie around. Simple math tells us that’s just under 37 hours that you could be putting in your pocket, spank bank.

There are many advantages to owning a beard. It’s a sign of maturity and being able bodied enough to get down in sex town. There’s the added benefit of always having a supply of leftovers from previous meals caught in the flavor-saver section of the beard. This eliminates the need for hunting/moving to feed yourself as often as a non-bearded man.

There’s also the psychological beard that one must account for. If and when you decide to grow a beard, there is a part of the beard growing process that takes effort to pull through. It’s roughly equivalent to quitting smoking. It’s fine for the first few days, but then you get an itch. The itch doesn’t stop for days and days. Depending on your beard genes, this period of time can last weeks. We all know the leading cause of depression is the wearing of sweatpants, but most people don’t know that growing a beard can be the therapeutic opposite. If I were a psychiatrist, I’d prescribe beards more often than Zoloft. The long and the short of it is the beard becomes something you’re proud of rather naturally. You’re depressed and hate everything? I got a beard for you.

Oh My God this fuckin itches. Get me a comb and a Fresca Bomb

Once you get through the itch your god damn face off phase, the beard starts to become a part of you. Just like planting a garden, you want to show it off. HEY CHECK OUT MY HERB GARDEN.


The beard is masculinity incarnate. You see a guy with a beard and you automatically think he’s fashionable and slightly scary. It’s a scared you can get behind. You can hide in that beard. No one will hurt me as long as the beard is there to protect me.

OK fine, it makes you look older and crazier than you are. You look like a hillbilly mountain goat. Jebus if it’s white, you’re automatically Santa Claus. If it’s brown then you’re a desperate actor trying to look older. If it’s brown with a white streak through it, then you’re Mel Gibson/Osama Bin Laden. You really can’t win.

And none of this shit anymore. Shave it or don’t.

If you’re going for the stubbly look, why not just not shave and let it happen? That’s what a real man does.  I take offense to the shavers that will manage your stubble look.  Doesn't a shitty shaver do the same thing? It’s like using a sledge hammer to hang a picture. Not really, but you don’t know me.

Monday Hits:

Three years in jail for boinking in your home. 

22 Ways to use an altoids tin.

Malawi wants to make farting illegal. 

This was a good pickmeup today.

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