Monday, January 17, 2011

Return of the Mega Mac

Don't you hate it when someone just stops updating their website/blog? Even when it's a very involved blog that can take weeks between posts, I still feel cheated. This person owes me their content because, for fuck's sake, I’m at work and I need the entertainment to get through the day without doing some Vann Damage to this office.

Like these guys:

And the coup de grĂ¢ce :

There were a few inquiries as to why I stopped posting last summer and I'll squash some of the rumors right now. I’ll let some of them remain as they make me seem cooler than I am. I didn't lose my job and somehow hatch into an unforeseen paradise filled with nudity and chocolate. I didn't join the military or the peace corps. WTF is a peace corps anyway?  I always equate them to Carebears in my head. 

Hey. The simple truth is that I didn't think I could get near the content level that I peaked at with Kung Fu Fart Bubble again. I mean, he was my golden goose, my Epic Mickey. He was my one extreme glimpse into a celebrity’s soul. (Which apparently is filled with handmade sex tools and incestuous foreplay)

So I’ll go on record and say that is what every celebrity’s soul looks like.

What does your soul look like?

I’d prefer mine to look like a ham that’s already been half eaten. This way, I can still be awesome, used, and covered in caramelized brown sugar, even without my fleshdemon. Thought there’d be a Jew joke in there? YOU THINK WRONG.

So what do I blog now? You can’t just have a blog about nothing. There’s a thousand of them out there…perhaps millions. I think it would be nice to have people write to me and ask me questions about things but in lieu of that, I could survive on the table scraps of my everyday life and political discourse.


Until I get some feedback, it will be like you’re trapped inside the head of an indigent office worker who moonlights as a professional hitman but instead of killing people, he kills moods, atmospheres and annoys relatives FOR CASH.

Here’s the weekday lineup:

Monday – Going Green through Laziness
• Everyday ways you can do nothing and save the planet.

Tuesday – Cubicle Nightmares
• Workplace follies and yelling. LOTS OF YELLING.

Wednesday – Soup or Chicken Shuffle
• SOMETHING FOOD RELATED. Shit, I couldn’t stop yelling there for a minute.

Thursday – Personal Injury Lawyer Commercials
• Eatin Boobtube dinners and listening to gangster rap makes it ok for me to drink Old English.

Friday – Weekend Roundup
• Anything cool going on this weekend? No? Cool man. Hit me up if you’re getting into anything.

So I’ll have some music, weird news, and politics strewn throughout for continuity as well as your much needed occasional rant on something that doesn’t deserve a rant.

My New Year’s resolution was to stop being so lame and be more productive. Your New Year’s resolution was to eat 40 Big Macs in 3 days.

I think you win any way you slice it.

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