Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Cubicle Nightmares: BEST

I love going into Target early in the morning and catching the staff having a meeting at the registers. It’s a bunch of teenagers and old people all sitting informally around on the registers and conveyer belts. You can see that they’re really into what they’re doing. People are making points and counter points. This is serious business. Sorry assholes, I got deodorant, skittles and a light bulb for one of you to ring up.

This website is messed up: http://facesofrejectedbachelorettes.tumblr.com/

I was thinking about what groups of people exist in an office environment. I came up with some interesting results. Mainly, they were interesting, because I came up with them and the nuns at the homeless shelter don’t want to talk to me about this nonsense anymore.

Attitude and Culture Success Story

Worker #1: I love my job.

I’ve been working here for five years, and I’ll be damned if you’re going to undercut this company buddy. This is my bread and butter and flesh light, son. I grew up in this office. I was practically conceived in the copy room by two people who loved the company more than me. I adhere to the company’s dress code even when I’m at home with my action figures.


Worker #2: I hate my job.

This is the lowest point of my life. I couldn’t make it on Broadway with my masters in interpretive dance and now I’m here. This dingy cubicle is my life now and I just want to rip it to shreds with a pitchfork. I could do an interpretive dance that would knock the boss’s socks off, but alas, teleconferences are a hard medium for a dancer like me. Fuck everything about this place. I’m spending 86% of my time at work looking for another job that I will hate as much.

Worker #3: What am I doing here?

I am overlooked and undermined at every junction in this building. My skillset rivals most of my superiors. I have no idea why I am here and not in some far off office encrusted with diamonds with a view of the beach. I am underutilized. I should have a staff of minions. I have been here for six months. I know what I’m talking about.

Worker #4: Run out the clock dude.

So really there’s no reason to rush, dude. I am the omnipresent time management expert. I have my tasks lined up for the day. They may be few in number, but they’re massive in their time expenditure. I could’ve been working here for 10 years and you’ve hardly even noticed me. I could be about to retire. Who knows or cares really? I don’t have the answers to any of your questions, but I do know how to deflect them all to their vaguely appropriate parties. Let’s take a nap on the clock.

At my job we are all evaluated personality wise with the BEST system: Bold, Expressive, Sympathetic and Technical. Of course I am expressive and bold, two qualities that really no one wants in an employee.  Seems like they only want sympathetic technical people who enjoy crop dusting their cube sections with gusto.

Short one today.  There's much work to be done.


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