Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Soup or Chicken Shuffle: Dorito Canyon

So I was thinking about renaming this segment to “Eat a Dick Junction” after my first catastrophe involving Funyuns, the miracle fruit, but I’ve decided to keep the nomenclature for now. A few more culinary punches to the stomach later and I may be singing a different tune.

Have you ever watched a kid play a video game and he’s terrible at it? It’s infuriating. I know you want to let him/her learn on their own but fuck. Physical violence isn’t in my nature, but for some reason when it’s an adult, I don’t get so angry. It’s a kid. They’re supposed to be good at video games. I was really good at them when I was younger. Watching a kid struggle to play video games is like peeing on my ancestors. I will not appease them any longer. They’ll end up like the Indians on reservations, making millions on tobacco, dream catchers, trails of tears, and casinos. I can’t let that happen. Gotta get these kids on some Megaman stat.

The grocery store is a strange place when it’s going out of business. Take everything that’s perishable off the shelves, empty out the refrigerated section, and you have something that resembles a skating rink with shelves of cereal and canned goods in the middle. This all good if that’s what I was after, but I had Dorito chicken on my mind. Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this tale, "The Second Installment of The Chronicles of Junk Food Real Food Dinner Food (TCoJFRFDF) or Dorito Canyon for short."

Dorito Canyon.

I heard that you could make some decent casseroles out of Doritos so I said, “fuck it. Let’s give it a whirl.” I thought it funny that I went from the grocery store that’s going out of business to the grocery store that’s putting them out of business. Being a heartless consumer is great sometimes.
I got my ingredients:

1 ½ lbs of shredded cheddar

1 can of Cream of Mushroom Soup

1 can of Cream of Chicken soup

1 can of Ro-Tel Tomatoes

1 package of chicken tenderloins

1 Onion

½ a jar of sliced Jalapenos

1 16 oz bag of Nacho Doritos

Boil the chicken so that it’s easier to shred. At the same time, combine 1 lb of cheese, cream of mushroom soup, cream of chicken soup, ro-tel tomatoes, 1 diced onion and ½ a jar of jalapenos in a sauce pan. And try not fuckin stab yourself like I did when I was cutting up the onion.

I am gonna fuck up this onion

The onion had other plans for me

Line the bottom of the casserole dish with Doritos. Take the boiled chicken and shred it into two equal piles.

Sprinkle ½ of the shredded chicken across the Doritos.

Spread ½ of the cheese soup mixture across the top of the chicken.

Cover that in a layer of Doritos and repeat the layer using the rest of the ingredients.  Then take remaining cheese and sprinkle that over the top of the casserole. Crush up the remaining Doritos and crumble them over the top.

Kids will fucking hate it

Bake at 350 for 30-40 minutes or until the crumbled Doritos are browned.


This was surprisingly not bad. I truly walked in thinking that this couldn’t possibly be good. Seems like a frito pie gone horribly wrong and Mexican at that. The looks of it were putrid. Soggy Doritos in a cheesy mushroomy, chicken lasagna. It’s like poor man’s nachos: Doritos on a plate covered in shredded cheese, microwave and nomnomnom you’re fat.

The Doritos take on a different consistency, sucking up all the moisture around them to form something resembling a noodle. That coupled with the crunchiness of the topping was enough for me to eat more than a couple bites. I also put jalapenos in it, so I’m guaranteed to eat it. If you were to cover a brick in jalapenos, I’d eat it. My girlfriend seemed to really enjoy it. She ate two huge plates of it. She also has something wrong with her that allows her to eat gallons of chili and cheese combined food. If you were to do blood work on her, I’m sure that there would be no results, just a picture of a chili-cheese dog in the shape of a middle finger.

I am a terrible person btw

Wednesday News

This guy is creepy and slightly arousing.

Wenis tattoo

"This happened after a patient woke up to see bandaged stuffed animals, notes about castration around his room and placed cotton balls on a private area of his body."

Your kid looks old

1 comment:

  1. Bless you, kind sir - the wenis gods have been appeased...