Monday, January 24, 2011

Going Green Through Laziness: BUBBLEBOY

There are the common methods of going green; recycling, carpooling, and getting really high. Granola eaters and squares alike can all get behind any efforts to reduce your carbon footprint. But why, really? I’ve been thoroughly inundated with evidence from everywhere that we are, in fact, people of excess and that’s how it’s gonna stay, goddammit. The apathetic have taken a turn for the worse. They’ve all slinked into the party of hating the planet…just because it was easier than buying extra things and making extra effort to sort out some bottles and cans ah-just clap your hands.

So let’s get lazy.
Doritos Bag Tail Light Lazy Special

Going Green Through Laziness tip of the week: Don’t Go Anywhere.

Going places is overrated. If you can’t find it on Google Street View and there’s no videos of it on youtube, I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s not worth your time to experience it in the flesh. Don’t pick out a cruise or check out how much a euro rail pass is. Plan a staycation instead. Map out the areas of your house that you’ll get drunk in. Explore the wild frontier of your domicile. If you have a roommate, spy on him. If you have a neighbor, look at em from your window. Wear a cape.

HEY I’VE NEVER BEEN DRUNK IN A CLOSET BEFORE by myself on a Tuesday night. OK that was a lie.

Be creative. Call your Kitchen “Oklahoma” and when you arrive, do so in the fashion you would arrive in Oklahoma. You walk in, look around and say ‘where is everything?’ The kitchen (Oklahoma) will pulsate and respond in the same fashion Oklahoma would: by stealing your soul and making a pulpy mess of you after turning into a room-sized juicer/blender. Maybe all that won’t happen, but imaginations don’t do any damage to the atmosphere.

After you get done with exploring your house, go start a tire fire in your backyard and turn off your heat pump.

“Everyone goes through their own personal Vietnam.” – E


Red Fat Monkey Standing By

I love them. They’re the personification that I look for in a fellow earth-dweller. I mean, you can’t get more human than being a fat version of whatever animal you are. Funfact:  Fat animals are easier to catch and cuddle.

Red Dog Pillow Standing By

I’m highly allergic to animals. It doesn’t keep me from wanting to be around them. I just have to suffer the consequences that may result in me having to carry around multiple epi-pens. It’s sort of like the people you know that are lactose intolerant but they still eat cheese and ice cream all the time. They just suffer in a different way. It’s called butt-suffering.

Red Cat Pillow Standing By

I’m pretty cynical when it comes to allergies. People with allergies to food, to pollen, and ragweed are also very accepted; while the people allergic to pets are commonly referred to as nerds and bubble-boys. My parents have a cat and he is just so cute. I want to love him into oblivion, but his hair also likes to sneak into my eyes and throat. HE IS TRYING TO KILL ME. So he stays outside of my parent’s house in hopes of keeping me coming by for visits. They bring the cat to the vet to get his shots and the vets ask why he’s an outdoor cat. Their son is allergic is apparently an insufficient response. The Vets tell my parents that I should wear a mask like they do in the ER and nerd guy across the street wears when he’s mowing the grass. This is what I get from that exchange of thoughts and ideas: People want me to wear an apparatus around my head anytime I’m indoors so that I can have a cohort of kitty meow meows and fatty dogs around me.

Red Leader Standing By
So I’m misunderstood and doomed to be a nerd bubble-boy. Fine, fuckers. That’s what you get

Lazy Links:

Stinky Feet Stabbin

Have an album release party in Moscow, maybe it'll blow up.

Sony's a little late to the party but will give Rhapsody a run for their money.

Going green through Mongolian Grill

Holy Shit the Juice Weasel is dead

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