Thursday, January 20, 2011

Personal Injury Lawyer Commericals: Let Me In

My cell phone makes phone calls.

I am recalling this statement and offering it to the Gods in place of a virgin soul because it’s offensive to me; it’s not funny, it never was funny and it will never be funny. Your arbitrary war against the world of smart phones is over. It’s the same as telling people how awesome your bank is because it doesn’t have an ATM.

Let’s all get recumbent bikes and move to San Francisco.

I went to pick up some muddy buddies and toothpaste from Target after work yesterday because that’s how I roll. It was an idle Wednesday, so what should I do to combat “using your time wisely” tonight? The thought of video games crossed my mind; fucking Katamari Forever has no right to be damn difficult. Movies are always a good choice and TV is usually just an afterbirth.

So I watched Let Me In for the first time. I know, I know. You read the book and saw the Swedish version of this movie way back when and now it’s been destroyed by an American remake. How bout this, shut up and let me enjoy Jurassic Park without your running commentary about how the T-Rex picked the car up with its mouth in the book! Really?! Fascinating! What’s a compy?! Gah, I think that people who have read the book that a movie is based on have no business expressing their love/hate for said movie. They also should be in another theatre far the hell away from me. What’s the point really? I know we all like to ruin things for people in the same way we like to see friends and acquaintances fail miserably but do we really have to be the unwavering stick in the mud deflection device at all times?

I guess that we do. How else am I going to feel superior in this low-key, social scenario? I mean we all just watched a movie together. It’s time for me to make my mark and tell y’all how much better The Queen of the Damned book was compared to the movie.

Of course it was. It’s a god damn 500 page book filled with words. You think that you could squeeze all of that into an hour and a half of pure bliss? No. There’s a dude with Jonathan Davis’ voice as the VOICE OF THE DEVIL. Let’s not forget that Aaliyah was nominated for MTV and BET movie awards for her performance in that movie. Never mind the movie was terrible and everything about it gave me SIDS, she had the foresight to die in a plane crash shortly before the movie came out.

I smell posthumous white guilt. If my memory serves me correctly, she also had that song with a baby gasp in the middle of her Timbaland beat at the top of the charts.  Jesus, that was just an awful time to be alive. 2002, eat a bag of hammers.

I'll give you five dollars and butterfly kisses if you can make it through that. 
So yeah, Let Me In.  Let's get back to that. 
Vampires are cool right? No.  They used to be before True Blood and Twilight ruined them forever with their personifications.  It's all easier to relate to a vampire if he's not killing everyone and drinking their blood.  Give em blood substitutes and make em drink animal blood.  Don't kill anything.  Everything Glitters.  Fuck that.

That was one thing I truly enjoyed about this movie.  There was a mild personification of the vampire child, but all seemed in vain because she could never function as a normal human being.  She was kinda busy, killing everyone and sustaining herself with their blood. 


The plot of the story was entertaining enough to keep your interest, but if you were hell bent on seeing some gore, you'll have to move along.  This movie was more about the suspense and the thriller aspect than the sheer joy everyone has when they see someone eviscerated on TV.  A boy who gets picked on a lot at school,  let's just call him Angelina Jolie from Hackers, finally finds the courage to be his own man through meeting a vampire.

He meets up with a shoeless Hanson in the courtyard and they have wild adventures together.  It always seems like it's extremely late by the way they make the courtyard dark and deserted with a light blanet of snow that never goes away.  There was even an instance where they literally went out on the town for what seemed like the entire night only to come back to the courtyard to his mother yelling for him to come to supper.

The only problem with this relationship is that like all dreams, they sound great on paper, but theyre really short sighted. Case in point: The terrible things I would do to Ariel. 
But what about the tail and the whole living under water thing?  Yeah, she turns into a daywalker at the end of the movie but let's say that mermaids exist for the sake of argument.  Wouldn't she smell real bad?  Years of being in the salt water would probably do something to those red locks.  I have a sushi addiction as it is.  I could accidentally kill her with a side of wasabi and a tall sake.  Delicious.
The film revolves around the symbiotic relationship between the boy and the vampire girl.  He needs her strength and violence.  She needs his rubik's cube.  More importantly, Abby the vampire, needs a person to kill for her and her cash cow, aka old dude that she got with when he was 12, is well...getting old and sloppy.  She, herself is very sloppy at killing.  I kinda liked that about her.  If left to fend for herself, she rips people apart and gets blood errrrrywhere.  Her new cash cow is Angelina Jolie from Hackers.

So this movie gives light to a very touchy subject.  Is it ok for a thousand year old in a 12 year old girl's body to fall in love with a 12 year old boy?  Isn't this breaking some sort of cougar rule? Your age divided in half, plus or minus 400 years.  Nailed it?  You bet.  This movie was pretty damn good.  Vampires have been on the lame lately.  This gives us hope that there might be another swedish vampire movie that we can Americanize in the future without throwing glitter all over it.

Get your BRRRRR BRRRRR on.

1 comment:

  1. hey...hey....I'mma let you finish but I just wanted to say that AALIYAH WAS THE BEST ACTRESS OF OUR GENERATION.

    just sayin'