Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Call it what you will; internet snobbery, doctorate in nerdination, racially motivated entropy, or 4chan monitoring. I spend a lot of my time on the internet and associate with the more or less unsavory characters that inhabit it. During my travels, I’ve found many new things: some old things, some relatively unknowns and down right retarded meme driven antics. For the most part, everything I’ve found has been seen by a large population, but in the grand scheme of things, a large number is peanuts to how many eyes are on the internet.

You get the idea.

This blog is going to be about what comes across my plate and the isolation the knowledge brings. Maybe it wont be as accomplished as blogs run by people who can spend all of their time devoted to internet weirdness, but it’ll encompass what I find newsworthy or, in any case, noteworthy.

Tax day. Taxes aren’t a really big part of my life. Once a year, I throw a few numbers into taxcut, it tells me, “you’re poor!” and I get on with my day.

I owe the state five dollars, so I’m going to go down to the courthouse and give them my beer money.


Something has been annoying me in more accessible forums: Lolcats that are obviously your cat and no one cares.

That’s a picture of your cat. It’s not a picture of a cat begging for a lolcat caption. Oh he has a funny face! It’s a fuckin cat. It’s supposed to have a funny face.

Also, Lolcats with you in the picture. You know who you are.

Please leave the internet.

Sorry, I know I just crushed you all with my rampage. I love my cats. I think they’re equal parts hilarious and stupid. I just know better than to think I could somehow, on a rudimentary level, express those concepts in a picture with a caption. None of which, that is, that could garner the same responses as any number of Caturday pictures. I declare that Caturday is dead and buried. The days of "I can haz cheezburger?" are gone. Married couples in their forties killed it for everyone.

Ta Da.

You ever gaze at all your friends’ away messages and wonder to yourself: “What can I put as my away message that doesn’t sound lame when I am going to be sitting four feet away, watching cartoons, eating jalapeƱo Cheetos?”

Some programs and addons have circulated that add random quotes or lyrics, but those rarely deliver. They always end up being ‘TeH funnay llolololoL!’ quotes from W or lyrics to a Nickelback song (The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap/ We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat). Fuck, Jesus.

I like looking up authors and TV shows of the past to quote on those occasions where broadcasting what I’m really doing would be sad and uninteresting (This happens more often than I’d like). In my travels, I stumbled on

There are a lot of nerd programming quotes to sift through, but if that’s your style then get on it. Also, there are a lot of quotes from the Devil’s Dictionary, which is its own brand of kitsch. But, if you mash f5 enough times and you’ll find something interesting, and/or retarded to put up. This can also be useful for Twitter if you also want to spread the word that you are doing nothing on another plane of netexistence.

Other random quote generators I can stomach:

The rest of the web is full of generators I cannot stomach. All the quotes from Futurama, Firefly, Family Guy, Babylon 5, Star Trek and those wacky cats who love Buffy aren’t left out either.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Futurama, but quoting it to someone at random is like givin a highfive to someone who’s blind.

My mom may’ve sent me this.

The gold mine of away messages is, of course,

Pictures speak a thousand words. Fukung speaks millions of words. It accelerates them all around you, hoping that a few of them move so fast that they collide, breaking apart at the subatomic level to render a new building block of fuckyou that will only prove cancerous when it’s discovered lodged in your subconscious 30 years from now.


Yeah. We’re done here.

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