Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Blowin Purple Stuff

Stormy weather, beating on carcasses of dead animals and fashioning a coke bottle into an ocarina are all examples of how we, as humans, belong to a select group of animals that have a burning desire to make music. We hit stuff, then strummed stuff, then blew stuff, and then we invented some instruments that didn't sound so homoerotic. Emile Berliner invented the microphone, some other guy invented audio tape and we had recording. Shortly after, someone cracked an egg and smeared its contents all over their face. They screamed in front of a microphone and we got Susan Boyle, a shemale from Franz Ferdinand, Connecticut. Now I'm all for talent, but this woman seems like she was bionically engineered to revitalize the flailing, failing, flopping American Idol. She's the "John Everyman" for men and women everywhere. She got more hits on her youtube video than Obama's inauguration or ShamWow's prostitute.

Oh snap.

I have to back up, I'm sorry. Revitalization indicates that American Idol was vital at one point. That's just something I cannot concede to, but for all you middle American motherfuckers who love Dancing with the Stars and America's Got Talent, drink up, it's almost showboating time.

Now I have totally deviated off course here. I wanted to talk to you about Electro! It's the natural evolution of music. It went Hemingway*, Beethoven and then Hypercrush.

Somewhere in the indescribably vast universe, we've encountered music that just don't FUCKIN QUIT.

After Hypercrush's explosion onto the first AM radios, they were a household name for 88 years. Donny "Ponyboy" Fontaine died an excruciating death earlier this year. He literally made his ass bounce so much that it dislocated, leaving him in a chill out state where he experienced his first hangover. If anyone asks, the sound that a head makes when it explodes is written out "POOMFLUCK." I learned this from Ponyboy. RIP. We will all miss your haircut and your impeccable taste in glow in the dark keytar solos.


We got the new party music now. Just throw away your old cds/vinyls/ADat's/Mp3's/24 track digital 2 inch tapes/8tracks/netflix and DSD's. You don't own any DSD's, you say? Well get all up on the one bit digital 2.8224 MHz recording phenom and then as soon as you feel you can't live without your new found fidelity, throw that shit the fuck away.

Girltalk, ladies and gentlemen, has taken the stage and No, he will not give it back.

I Lied. You can have 4 lps and 2 eps.

Secret Diary (2002)**

Unstoppable (2004)**

Night Ripper (2006)

Feed the Animals (2008)

Stop Cleveland Hate (2004)**

Bone Hard Zaggin' (2006)**

THAT'S ALL YOU GET. It's OK. You'll be fine with this after I explain.

Girltalk is Gregg Michael Gillis (or what I like to call him, "Girltalk") and a laptop. Remember back in the day three minutes ago when you threw those cds and vinyls away? Well he picked em all up and rubbed em against each other with some ky jelly and some Joose. Now we're blowin purple stuff.

His crowning achievement, along with being gifted in the art of ADD music, is his knack for taking something as ridiculous as him sitting on stage with a laptop and turning it into the coolest thing ever. I don't know a guy who wouldn't want to divert some of the focus away from him by his lonesome.
So he gets himself comfortable by inviting girls up on stage to dance with him. He's packs the girls on stage so you can't even see him anymore.

Now that's a party.
He'll make appearances every now and again, pushing his way to the front of the crowd of lude women. He's trying to be comfortable, so you'd expect him to be wearing less and less clothes throughout the show. Can you blame him? It gets hot up there under those lights/vaginas.

Side Note: I am sure that one or two of you who read this will undoubtedly see that there are manimals near him on stage as well as women. I choose not to see that.

This didn't tell you anything about anything and I'm satisfied with that. Clinch Fists.

Now I just wanna go work out for 39 hours with these songs on repeat, wearin a thong. Well the thong isn't abnormal, but working out for 39 hours is just silly. I know somethin I could do for 39 hours straight if I really focused.

MOAR News: Foreskin Edition

This dude stole 32.5 pounds of quarters everyday at work for a year. If it weren't for those meddling kids.

We've all been here and here.

I have put together all the pieces to the puzzle and it says, "No, lets all die."

I link to other blogs, Motherfucker. What a tangled web we weave. I'm sure I'll see this in my roommate's room soon enough.

This is why I hate doctors. Every time you have some sort of incurable disease, they just make shit up or throw bugs at you.

This is pretty mainstream but worth noting. Sometimes people fall on their swords after they get done fisting America

*pioneered the six fingered cat shotgun in mouth sonata, very very popular in the 80's.
**Don't know what these are.

Thanks Acidravelamp and Trevor Tracks

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