Friday, February 4, 2011

Weekend Roundup: Superbowl Taxes

I can see forever
I saw the girl dancing in front of Liberty Tax Services yesterday. I mean she was breaking it down. Apeshit would be the best way to describe her. It’s 23 degrees outside and there she is, cutting a rug while I sit at a red light. I think it’s a step up from the Domino's Pizza sign guy and the “who gives a shit is going out of business” sign guy who has to hold it all day while smoking a cigarillo.

I thought to myself, why more people don’t use this tactic. I would be more inclined to go by KFC if there was a girl dancing out in front of it, dressed up like a sexy Colonel Sanders. The Liberty Tax girl can get away with the green moo-moo and hat because it vaguely resembles a toga party. When I think toga party, I think naked and sheets. Logically, I then think about doing my taxes.

It’s pure science. Does this guerrilla dance advertising work on women or is this just an exclusive male attractant? I would think, with the popularity of Glee and So You Think You Can Dance, girls would be eating this shit up. I guess there’d have to be some gay dancer guys and some old person for the +40 women to empathize with.


So it’s Superbowl weekend. What are you doing for it? Well all four of my readers are probably not sports fans, but that never seems to apply during the Superbowl. The “I watch it for the commercials” jerkoffs and the assholes who normally watch threepeat NCIS episodes before bed every night come out of the woodwork. It’s like showing up at the end of Schindler’s List in the theatre just to watch Liam Neeson cry and bask in the love of his Jewish miscreant team without watching the horrors that brought us to this culmination. Just equate an incredible one handed interception brought back for a game winning touchdown in the 9th week of the season to watching the part of the movie where the dude wakes up in the morning, drinks some cognac, and shoots a couple of the Concentration Camp workers from long range. You didn’t see either of those events, but you’re going to watch the ending anyway because you want to see what is going to do next. Hint: there will be tits.

I know some people celebrate this game like a religious holiday. They’re at the grocery store right now getting ribs, chicken, guac, diet coke, and four gallons of Jack. I want to know where they’re going and how to get invited. So, with a 6:30pm kickoff time on the east coast, and coverage starting at 11am, it will be a perfect time to get twisted, pass out, and wake up before kickoff.

That is unless you’re hosting the event with a group of people. You have to pace yourself right behind your cohorts. If he drinks four double Jack and Cokes, you drink three. You see what I mean? You’re right behind, totally in the fray, but you’re not giving up the big play (VOMIT).

Weekend Follies:

You just pissed me off.
More than this woman using a neti pot.

The world is coming to an end.

Shoot me in the fucking face.


  1. OK, you managed to use two of THE WORSE words in the english language in this post. You know what they are - they DON'T BEAR REPEATING!!!!!!!!!