Monday, May 11, 2009


Baconator. Baconnaise. Bac-o’s. Bacon Explosion. The infiltration of bacon into internet culture is at an all time high. Even your mom has seen the bacon flavored mints and chewing gum you’ve been giving to your friends as gag gifts. Everything now comes in a shade of bacon. There are bacon scarves, bacon wallets, bacon watches, and bacon hats. I could sit here all day long and list the bacon version of everything out there, but I’ll just tell you that everything that could have bacon on it or in it, does and is readily available online.

I need to be in the bacon of the month club.

I want to just touch on the few notable baconesque items that have appropriately, made me take a double take, followed by an intense desire to buy these items. Don’t Judge. I know that you were expecting me to hate this bacon phenomenon, but I think it’s amazing and should never stop. I want to see bacon houses, bacon gatorade, and cars that run on bacon. My kids are going to grow up on bacon ball and read literary masterpieces like “War and Bacon Pieces” and “Bacon in the Rye.” They (Bacon Teasers) almost made me crap myself when I saw this.

There have been a few inventions that have propagated the expansion of bacon, both in its accessibility and its poise to become the cornerstone of everything that we know and love.

There’s the Baconwave.

This is significant because it’s the first time I see someone changing the face of bacon. Now you don’t even need a hot surface to sizzle some bacon up. All you need is a microwave that came with your crappy apartment and you’re set. Just put the bacon into the microwave in its specially designed slots to keep the bacon in an upright, awesome position. The bacon comes out tasting how you might imagine. It tastes in the same way French fries taste out of the microwave. I don’t care if you put it in a crisping container, it’s still mushy potato sticks and you are an asshole for trying to get me to believe in you.

Why isn’t this more popular today? Good question, with an appropriate answer. The bacon didn’t taste very good and you still had to cook it. Why not just have a box of bacon that’s already cooked and doesn’t need refrigeration? Lucky for us there’s fully cooked bacon in a box and in a can.

This is the point I’d like to remind you that there are a hundred other blogs that report on bacon on a weekly basis, so I’m going to skip a lot of steps in the bureaucratic structured concept of “bacon blog.” I know I’m supposed to purchase these products and test them out. Let’s just agree that all the bacon sucks unless it’s thick cut, fried up or smoked and that’s that.

The bacon that comes out of a can looks like it came out of my roommate. The bacon that comes out of the box, looks like a long piece of prechewed bubbleyum and they both taste accordingly. These are not nearly as bad as bacon mints, or bacon gumballs. Side Note: Bacon Mints can be used in place of ipecac.

I actually had a bacon air freshener in my car for a while. It didn’t smell really like bacon, but it did look the part. Come to think of it, it kindof smelled like burning dreams and cilantro.

Bacon Apparel.

I’ve always found bacon tee shirts amusing. I also enjoy the many iterations of apparel associated with the bacon shape and look. If only they made scratch and sniff bacon apparel. So you can look like bacon, smell like bacon and robots will think you taste like bacon.

Scarves, Belts, Shirts, Pants, Flags, Bras, Socks, etc. Every Base is covered. Just like someone could deck their entire room out in Pittsburgh Steelers paraphernalia, you can do the same with bacon.

I personally wouldn’t mind showing up to a meeting with my bacon brief case.

Bacon as a food, who’dathunk?

My favorite bacon tidbit is the revival of bacon in foods. People are combining bacon with just about everything now for shits and giggles. There are people who are making bacon a posh item in restaurants, people making candy with it, condiments, seasonings, liquor with bacon infused, and the bacon overloaded recipes.

Bacon Explosion: I'm going to do this on special occasions, like Thursdays and Mondays. Bacon, Sausage, Bacon, BBQ, Bacon and Sausage. The Bacon Explosion is the missing ingredient in the long list of things that you could use to kill yourself. This would be the tastiest method. Although it does give me shivers seeing that people post on the comments that they've made this with a pound of cheddar cheese in the middle. I personally want to put jalapenos in it.

Baconnaise & Bacon Salt: They took bacon, put it in mayo and put it in salt. Look out Baco's, new bacon condiments are on the rise and ready to steal your soul.

Chocolate Covered Bacon: It looks like poop shards, but it really tastes amazing. Try explaining that to anyone and you'll most likely get karate chopped in the neck. It is funny to see the insane chocolate lovers of the world, who took it as validation of their hunger for the coco bean from Oprah when she said, "it was good for you to eat a piece of dark chocolate a day," turn their noses up at chocolate covered bacon.

Baconburger: This sounds amazing, and I'm going to try it as soon as I find someone with a meatgrinder to borrow. I saw another guy do it on another blog and did it with a food processor. It didn't come out right.

Bacon is proof of a higher power. Just like Funyuns (<--this is a lie) it could not be made by some mere mortal. The only way you're doing a disservice is by being tempted by its imitators. It's like buying god damn turkey or tofu bacon! IT'S NOT BACON. DON'T EAT IT. (sorry m&n. I know you're the only people who read this blog. I will have a vegan/veg pov on my attack on Furries. Bacon was a tough order and near and dear to my heart.)

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This is how I would like to be accosted on my way to work every morning. I know she wouldn't enjoy anything, at least.

This guy looks like he's about to morph into an animal. He may very well be the second coming of furry jesus.

All it takes in india to be popular is to not bathe for 35 years. I thought it would have to do with bollywood or something relating to curry. Racism.

I don't like being pigeonholed, but I got a gallon of wine with my name on it and it aint goin to drink itself and pass out naked in the kitchen.

I like Science. I enjoy tatoos. So this gets my interest for a hot minute.

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